The Usual Existential Cynicism

The minor emotional confusion that characterizes my life continues. Right now nothing seems worthwhile, or even causally effective, even as I cannot shake off the sense of agency, control, or intention with which I am imbued. Thus everything I do or fail to do is experienced as a decision, and I cannot understand why I… Continue reading The Usual Existential Cynicism

Wonderful Treasures

My other self is a notebook. My journal is my therapist, my audience, my teacher, my mirror. It is my way of understanding everything, the repository of all my considered thoughts: a version of me, abstracted from the full physicality of me, not an argument but an ongoing processing of arguments, backward looking but forward-moving.… Continue reading Wonderful Treasures

The Floating Future

I have been making a daily schedule to try to force myself into discipline. It’s sort of working. I think that if I just keep at it, slowly I will build a daily structure, and suddenly my future, the second half of my life, doesn’t look so confusing, foggy, possibly pointless, floating. The prospect of… Continue reading The Floating Future